Week 30: The Conversation the Church Won't Have: Let's Talk About SEX [AND SEXUALITY]

The Conversation the Church Won't Have: Let's Talk About SEX [AND SEXUALITY]:

**Disclaimer** 
This blog is not for the church. 
This blog is for those just like me who weren't taught how to be 100% comfortable in who God created them to be. I hope you receive this in the purest way possible.

I was relatively a late bloomer...and I never got why they call it "bloomer" anyways, because afterward, it felt like a deflowering, which in actuality it was. I was about 17 when I lost my virginity to my then-boyfriend who I swore would stop cheating if I did this one thing.

Did he?

Of course, not! I mean, why would he?!

But I'm not here to talk about how I lost it or why, or even how I decided to pursue celibacy; for more on that you can read it here. 

What I'm actually here to talk about is what it truly means to be a sexual being and a Christian...you know that's possible, right--having a sexuality, accepting, owning it, and being a Christian?

Oh yeah! It's a thing...and if I'm being 100 with you...IT IS A PART OF WHO GOD MADE YOU TO BE (Genesis 2:24-25).

And I know that's not what the church preaches or tells us...AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM!

I was fortunate enough to have a mother that wasn't aloof to the VERY active images of sex ALLLLLL around. I grew up in the digital age and as a teenager during the 2000's (cues Juevnile...JOKING!), sex was everywhere. I'm also a hip-hop head, too, and a lot of hip-hop music videos during that time had tons of sexual images or lyrics that insinuated sexual acts. And my momma knew. She sat me down quick to have a talk about what sex was, how she wanted me to wait, but if I chose to be active, I could come to her and we'd take the steps for me to protect myself...and that was great.

But no one ever really talked to me about owning my sexuality, being present in it, being proud of it at that, and still living for Christ, pursuing righteousness.

As I'm sure most of you can relate, in church, sex was rarely talked about growing up. And actually, it still is in this day and age. Even at the church I go to now, if sex or sexuality is brought up, the pastor says, "I'm talking to the married folk, now!" 

Uuuuuuummm...excuse me!! 

But what about the single people in the room?! Can we not relate to sexuality and sex because we're single?! Do we lack sexuality because we're single?!

The answer is NO! 

Human beings are sexual beings...I'll say it even louder for the churchy people...

HUMAN BEINGS ARE SEXUAL BEINGS...EVEN SINGLE HUMAN BEINGS!

And the thing is, there is nothing wrong with that. Where the church is at fault when it comes to "teaching" about sex is not that they tell you not to have sex before marriage, because that is the Word (Genesis 2:24-25, Hebrews 13:4); the church is at fault when it comes to "teaching" about sex when they leave out the part that GOD created us perfectly (Psalm 139:14) and that a part of our being created is our sexuality. Most churches never teach us how to function as a sexual being pursing a life of righteousness and holiness and therefore, you have many believers perplexed and confused as to how they should operate in their sexuality because of how they are taught. 

Some even believe that sex is a bad thing...which is quite laughable because in fact, it is a BEAUTIFUL THING; have you read ANY OF THE SONG OF SOLOMON?!?! The beautiful, passionate love described in that text has me waiting with great excitement for the day my Adam, says, "Ayo, you is mine & I am yours" before the good Lord. Trrruuuusssstttt me, that night, we sure gon' worship!!!!

And while my perspective on sex has evolved in alignment with the Word, it wasn't always that way because in all honesty, I was scared of sex. The way I was taught in church, I swore having sex before marriage was going to send me to hell. Another truth...IT WON'T (Isaiah 1:18, Acts 3:19, 2 Corinthians 5:17). BUT...it does awaken a beast within that once it's disturbed, it is super hard to overcome on your own (Song of Solomon 2:7). 

At 25, I can say that I am just now coming into owning my sexuality. 

What does that mean?

It simply means accepting that it is perfectly human to have sexual desires and to be attracted to the opposite man, but the intense part is submitting my sexuality to God and putting His will for my sexuality, FIRST. In James 4:7, it calls for us to submit to God, resist devil and then he'll flee. Your sexuality is not your temptation; the temptation is acting out your sexuality outside and beyond the parameter God has set sexual acts to be practiced in...and that parameter is MARRIAGE (Hebrews 13:4). So does that mean you can't be attracted to someone or even kiss the person you're dating? Not necessarily, but it does mean knowing yourself...truthfully. 

And...what does that mean?

It has different meanings for everyone, but one thing I believe is universal in this human journey of understanding all parts of the human sexual experience is being open and honest about what your boundaries are. For example, for me, I know I can't Netflix and Chill with bae, because I'm gon' wanna make a baby to D'Angelo's "How Does It Feel" annnnnnd I can't afford that right now! That ain't operating in the Will. I NEED THE CROSS, Y'ALL...EVERY DAY. And that's what we must choose--choose to resist the temptation every single day, yielding to the Cross, and practicing the Word--that's how we stay pure (1 Corinthians 10:13). In 1 Corinthians 10:13, it clearly states that God will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can handle. Another very important part of that text states that God will also provide us with a way out of that temptation. God cares that much about us that He won't leave us to face that temptation alone; He faces it with us and provides an escape, but we must make the conscious decision to take that escape.

How do you do that?

Again, be honest! Dating as a single has a lot to do with communication and expectations. In order to do that, you must be honest and have a conversation with yourself and the person you're dating. It is also wise to seek Godly counsel in your friends and those you have around you to hold you accountable. But also...TALK TO GOD ABOUT SEX! He created it (Genesis 1:27-28) and sex honors Him when it does within the boundary He has set for it. Go to God and let Him know what you're facing, the challenges of your temptation, and seek Him for understanding; He created you...the created cannot fix the created--only the Creator. So again, seek Him! He knows you.

I can't lie, I am still struggling with this very topic. Celibacy in college was easy when I had a boyfriend back home in New York, I was in PA, and no one was really checking for me before the glow up. Now though, having my own place and shining from the glow up, it's HARD out here for a pimp! You want to live holy and righteous, but you also want to give bae allllll that good lovin'; it's hard. Even Paul knew--our humanity is at a constant battle to do what is good and righteous, overcoming what our flesh wants to do (Romans 7:14-25), but it's super difficult. That's why we have Christ--to help us and see us through, showing us grace, and standing in the gap advocating for us (John 3:16).

This pursuit of a righteous living is not easy, friends, but it is so worth it! I'm preaching to myself as I write this. There is no easy path to comprehending sexuality and living for God; but there is ONE solution--His name is Jesus, and He's more than capable and willing to help you. All you have to do is submit to Him.

I'm rooting for you & walking with you, fam.

by: Nicole Webb

contact: thenicolewebb@gmail.com

blog: theriblifejourney.blogspot.com

book: thenicolewebb.com/buy