A Word For Our Mothers by Charryse Wright

As a mother, I often feel like a FAILURE.  I know that is shocking for those who know me because they often tell me what a great job I am doing raising my son.  I smile and say thank you, but in my head, I am thinking they have no idea that my son ate cold cereal for dinner two nights in a row, I yelled at him yesterday, and that I forgot to drop his broken eyeglasses off to be repaired. Sheesh, if only I could add four more hours to this 24-hour day, I could accomplish it all.   I am in school full-time, starting a couple of businesses, and working.  Therefore, my face is in my laptop all day and night-  I have late night conference calls, readings, assignments, phone calls, trainings, & emails.   I come home and all I want to do is take off my bra and sit in silence in the dark.    

But I have this amazing young man smiling at me, eagerly waiting to discuss his day at school, discuss homework and projects, discuss teenage stuff, discuss his future stuff, be transported to activities and appointments or just sit and talk to me. He just wants me,  exhausted, aggravated and overwhelmed me. Dang, I forgot about this late-night conference call.  And shoot, now I feel worse because I promised him, we would cook dinner together and I forgot to stop to pick up the vegetables.  My mind compares me to other mothers, she makes it look so easy – I bet her kids had dinner together last night.  I bet she doesn’t yell at her kids.  I bet she didn’t forget to drop her kids’ eyeglasses off to be repaired.  Clearly, my friends and family are nuts, if they think I am doing a great job because I am failing at this mothering thing. (Insert big fat tears) 

I have to be a good mother; it is my responsibility to prepare him for the world – I need him to be financially literate, educated on sex, consent, girls, drugs, alcohol, interfacing with the police, suicide, bullying, guns, white privilege,  being a black man in America.    I need him to be Godly, honest, respectful, honorable, dependable, hard-working, dedicated. How do I do this? There are not enough hours in the day to prepare him for life.  Is he getting these life lessons, I am teaching? Am I doing enough? Is he enough? What am I missing? 

I know that I am not alone in my doubts and fears of my mothering capabilities.  As I was preparing to write this sermon blog, I spoke to a friend about my thoughts and he said “failure is relative. You have extremely high standards for yourself (in everything you do),  so if you don’t meet your self-imposed goals you will always feel like a failure?”  As I sat and reflected, he was right, I am extremely hard on myself and my life experiences have shaped my mothering.  I wasn’t prepared for the world, so I made a lot of mistakes that I don’t want my son to make and I have been violated in ways that I never want my son to make another woman feel.   Does it really make me a failure, if I don’t meet my self-imposed goals?

No, but the enemy would have me believe that.  We live in a society where being mothers to beautiful black babies is the most difficult responsibility and privilege.  The media is inundated with images and stories of hate that have taken the lives of our children.  We have to prepare them to not only survive but thrive in a world where their presence is seen as a threat.  We have to teach them with mixed messages – be  proud, strong and confident, standing up for yourself and what is right, until you interface with police, then you can’t be too strong or too confident because it is more important for you to come home safe than to stand up for what is right.  We have to teach them that their melanated skin, full lips, curvy hips, large backside, and curly hair are PERFECTLY beautiful when society calls it a defect while celebrating the manufactured copycats.  We have to teach them they are more than their God-given athletic abilities and not meant to be merely the funny sidekick.  We have to teach them the unspoken driving rules that are not taught in any DMV study guide.  There are so many required additional rules that are not taught in any parenting book, that we are often left walking in doubt, confusion, and fear.  

The enemy wants you to doubt yourself, but God will never leave you in a place of doubt.  My son was asked to open a meeting in prayer as he has done in the past, but this time he said:  God I thank you for waking me up this morning. I thank you for giving me such an awesome mom, who even when she is really tired, always makes time for me.  Thank you for giving me a mom who wakes up early and stays up late to finish the work she sets aside to talk to me, even though she thinks I don’t know.   Thank you for giving me a mom who is not only teaching me but showing me how to be hard-working and honest.  Thank you for giving me a mom who gives me not just what I need, but what I want and isn’t afraid to tell me no.   Thank you for giving me a mom who has difficult and honest conversations with me, because you know I thought she was going to freak out when we talked about sex.  Thank you for giving me a mom who lets me be my weirdo self.  Thank you for giving me a mom who shows me how to love.  God, thank you for choosing her to be my mommy, she is the best choice. Keep up the good work.   AMEN. 

            I cried big fat tears and thank God for sending my son with a reminder that I am not only failing him but that God hears my cries.  So, I stopped by to remind all of my beautiful sisters who serve in any capacity of a mothering role with the children God placed your life, you are not failing them and God hears your cries.  Romans 8:1 says “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”, which means my sisters, we do not have to fear criticism (even if it is self-imposed) sent by the enemy on our mothering capabilities.

• We are not condemned because we fed our kids cold cereal for dinner.
• We are not condemned because we are exhausted.
• We are not condemned because our children learn differently.
• We are not condemned because we made a mistake.
• We are not condemned because we missed our children’s game, dance recital, or event.
• We are not condemned because we can’t afford x, y or z.
• We are not condemned because we can’t afford Whole Foods.
• We are not condemned because we can’t afford a luxury vacation.
• We are not condemned because our neighborhood is not the best.
• We are not condemned because we choose not to give birth.
• We are not condemned because we are unable to give birth.
• We are not condemned because we are a grandmother, auntie, godmother or friend raising a child we did not ask for.
• We are not condemned because our house is a mess.
• We are not condemned because we are unable to connect with our babies.
• We are not condemned because we need a break away from our children.
• We are not condemned because we work a lot to provide for our children.
• We are not condemned because we are divorced or raising our children alone. 
• We are not condemned because our bodies could not carry the baby.
• We are not condemned because of our birthing plan.
• We are not condemned because we adopted.
• We are not condemned because we choose not to adopt.
• We are not condemned because of the decisions of our children.

When my son makes a mistake, I remind him that there is nothing he can do to make me stop loving him. And just as we tell our children, God tells us there is NOTHING we can do to stop God from loving us.  We mother differently and our children are different, but our God is the same.  God’s love for us is passionate, undeniable and unwavering.  As we maneuver through this journey called mothering, we must repeatedly place our children, our doubts, fears, and questions in the perfect hands of our Savior Jesus Christ and know that He will perfect that which concerns us. Happy Mothering Day!