Identity Crisis by Brandi Wardlow

Identity Crisis by: Brandi Wardlow

I was only 5 or so hours into my stay-cation when my boss decides to share that our stakeholders would not renew our contract and therefore, I would no longer oversee my youth program. In April, I received news that I would manage two youth programs; thus, leading to my promotion; and so, losing one program shouldn’t have felt like a loss. However, it did.

For the last two years, I have dedicated my life to my more than 60+ program participants. I saw a ‘young Brandi’ in each of the 7th-12th-grade girls from the Southern NJ, Philadelphia and Montgomery County areas. They were my first children and my love for them runs very deep but, work politics. I knew my time with this program was coming to a close – my new promotion would remove me from the program anyway. I would become more administrative in my duties and less hands-on with the program, but it still hurt. Actually, it hurt bad. Really bad.

I couldn’t say good-bye to my girls. I was roadblocked when I attempted to do so. I was put down in the process. I felt like I lost my job, although I didn’t lose my job. I felt like my promotion became a demotion. My company left me without any direction or guidance. I couldn’t say much to God at all. I wasn’t mad at God – just hurt; lost; confused; sad; angry; frustrated; and, empty. I spent the remaining days of my stay-cation depressed with a hint of random episodes of crying every other hour.

People kept trying to uplift and encourage me. “God saw this coming so, He gave you the promotion months ago.” “You were ready to leave that job and program anyway.” “You were the best thing that ever happened to those girls.” “At least, you have another job set-up.” In my mind, it only made me cry harder. Break more.

Who was I now? Who would I be? Who am I?

It didn’t take long to realize that it was those questions haunting me most. Not leaving my youth program. Not the lack of contract renewal. Not even the way things were handled or conducted. Instead, I felt empty and I felt lost because I legitimately didn’t know who I was or who I would become now that I was no longer “Ms. Brandi: The Coordinator of this particular youth program.” At 25, I reached my first identity crisis.

I once heard this Christian Poem on Facebook by Joanah Madzime called “Dear God.” The poem riddles about the human perspective of God. “Why do we go through these problems? God, you don’t love us. I’m a believer – why isn’t it easy?” After Madzime questions God, God then answers. Madzime says something most interesting in this poem, “Whatever doesn’t kill you – knows who you belong to.” Just imagine your battles knowing who you belong to and you, yourself forgetting.

I envision God talking to our battles just as He spoke with Satan face to face in Job 1:12. Satan expresses to God that Job is only faithful because of all that Job owns and possesses. So, God tells Satan, “All right, you may test him, do whatever you want with everything he possesses, but don’t harm him physically.”

If there's anything that the story of Job teaches us, it is:

●       God gives our trials and battles permission to come against us.

●       Be mindful of the support system we maintain when we are struggling to understand God.

●       Blessings and storms aren't contingent upon how good we do or do not live.

●       Your faith in God should remain consistent and unfailing through all of life's circumstances.

●       We must accept that our human capabilities do not compare to God's abilities.

●       God will reward His children who endure.

●       But, you must remember Who you belong to.

Maybe I should only speak for myself here. However, unlike Job, often times, we place so much of our existence into everything else around us that when we lose these things or even people, we experience an identity crisis.

Yes – things will hurt. Yes – things can blind us or surprise us. Yes – this is not how we envisioned this chapter. But, if we genuinely believed enough that our belief became fact – we would know that whatever we perceive as a trial or defeat is first, blessed by God and secondly, will also be rewarded by God.

However, when we attribute our esteem, worth and, purpose to worldly positions we forget and even minimize, our one, true and absolute position as Children of God. As Children of God, we are awarded His inheritance. Consequently, we limit the power and the work of God in our lives because by forgetting our own identity – we forget His. Thus, causing a delay and dilemma in our journey.

Job spent much time through each defeat attempting to maintain his innocence although, God was not persecuting him. A common theme in Job’s story comes from his friends, who firmly believed that all that Job was experiencing was a direct result of what Job was or wasn’t doing. However, despite Job’s pleas to God to confirm or deny Job’s wrongdoings, God never directly confirmed nor denied why Job experienced his suffering. Instead, God reveals Himself to Job and speaks directly to him expressing the strengths of God’s abilities and reminding Job of the limitations of our human capabilities. I like to classify Job’s attitude as 2019 ego, so to speak. Ego, because the moment I found out about my job mishaps, I began to question God, “What did I do?” Again, taking all power and sovereignty away from Him by thinking that these plans had anything to do with me and not to work together for His good.

Eventually, God did recognize that Job needed restoration and therefore, blessed him with double than what Job initially lost. A powerful revelation is that the book of Job closes with God’s reward to Job but, before presenting Job with this blessing, He explains why Job receives this glory. In short, God turns to Job’s friends and say, “You didn’t speak accurately of me like my servant Job. [Job 42:8]” Thus, giving a simple reminder that Job remained faithful on this journey. Accordingly, Job remained faithful because he knew who he belonged to. It didn’t matter how sick he was; he knew God would provide. It didn’t matter who he lost; he knew God would provide. It didn’t matter who persecuted him, he knew God would provide. He knew God would provide because He knew God, and as a result of knowing God, was able enough to know as a child of God, he would be protected.

Like Job, I can't tell you why my cards are playing out as they are. I also can't tell you what comes next. I guess that's that lesson from Job where we must accept that our human capabilities do not compare to God's abilities. What I do know is that this life is temporal [Psalms 102:26]. I served in my position for two years, but I will serve as a child of God for the rest of my life. And because of this, just as He brings me to each chapter – He will also bring me through each chapter whether I do or don't understand His ways. However, He gives me comfort as His child, much like He did Jeremiah in 29:11 – He knows the plans He has for me. We are still here because our battles know who we belong to. It is up to us never to forget.