Don't Take It Personal By: Brandi J. Wardlow

Don't Take It Personal By: Brandi J. Wardlow

Sing with me, will you?

“It’s just one of them days – that a girl goes through. When I’m angry inside – don’t want to take it out on you. Just one of them days – don’t take it personal. I just wanna be all alone, and you think I treat you wrong. Don’t take it personal.” – Monica, “Don’t take it personal – Just one of them days.”

My first job post-undergrad was as a case manager for a maternity care non-profit. One of the major lessons I learned was that social services workers are absolutely overworked and underpaid. The starting salary for most positions is $31,000, with a median salary of $43,000, which is 4% less than the national average. Philadelphia’s stats, of course.

My job required me to have a caseload of at least 15 pregnant or newly parenting moms; write extensive case notes on each family participant; secure resources for all families; track their ages and stages; AND, conduct a 60-90-minute house visit weekly. Too much work – not enough money.

I liked the flexibility of case management, though. I can make and create my own little schedule. I got to learn much about pregnancy which, is interesting because as a woman you’d think that I’d know a lot. The job offered maternity leave which most jobs still don’t (not like I needed it but way to go, women’s rights). They gave us a car to drive, had potlucks, and even had pampering days. Did I mention that I also liked seeing new babies?

Conversely, driving all over the city; listening to other people’s problems; encouraging them to practice self-care; and, helping THEM, goal plan could be taxing. Don’t get me wrong. I loved working with people and swore that I was also helping them. But, it was sometimes challenging to save everyone else and pay little to no attention to me. However, today’s focus isn’t the promotion of self-care.

The reality is that I was overworked, underpaid, and sometimes, treated very poorly. Not every client is actually happy to have you, although the services were strictly voluntary. Huh? How does that work, you ask? Still slightly baffles me (inserts shoulder shrug emoji). But, no, really – you had your favorite clients, and you had your not so ideal clients.

I particularly remember this one girl. She was young, of a different nationality and her baby was premature and in NICU. I absolutely hated going to her house. Sometimes, she was a no-show, the other days I wished she was a no-show. I would come in, bubbly and excited and ready to work and she’d stare at me like some slave owners would look at Harriet Tubman. Everything was one-word answers, sarcasm, and, an eye roll.

So, outside of all this, social services employees also partake in supervision. It’s a timely check-in to go over all of your cases and receive more direction and support towards best serving your clients. Yippee! Not really. I dreaded supervision. But, on this one particular day, I remember receiving my second major lesson in the field of social services: Don’t take it personal.

I’m going back and forth with my supervisor. She used to do this thing where she’d make you answer your own conflicts. Again, yippee! Not really. But, on this one specific case, she looked at me and said, “How would you feel if someone was coming into your home; asking you questions about a baby that you can barely hold and can’t even bring home? Her baby is 6 weeks premature, she’s in NICU, and there’s no telling when the baby can come home. Is the way she treats you, right? Absolutely not. The way she treats you is not a reflection of you but of her and what’s happening in her life. So, don’t take it personal.”

Well, I’ll be darn. When you put it that way…

A lot of times, I was offended in her presence. I’m nice, I would say. She’s mean. I’m bubbly and friendly, I thought. She’s cold. I’m trying to help her, I justified. She’s toxic. I knew enough about her life to know that I probably would be too consumed with my own happenstances if I carried her burdens. But, I was too consumed with offense to step outside of my own entitlement and share some form of empathy and compassion for how she translated her pain.

Would I have translated my emotions that way? Can’t say. I would hope that I would have another approach, especially in my relations with people. However, we can’t place our standards or expectations on other people’s choices and experiences. That leads to entitlement and a lifetime of both disappointment and offense.

I purposefully bring this up because if you’re anything like me, you might take offense a lot. You hold the door open, someone doesn’t say ‘thank you,’ and you’re offended. You write on someone’s wall and say happy birthday on Facebook, but they liked your comment and thanked someone else so, you’re offended. A coworker wasn’t as friendly today? Offended. Didn’t get invited to girls’ night? Offended. Didn’t get a shout out at the staff meeting? Offended. The list goes on, offended.

We create scenarios in our head. Stay mad for months. Hold grudges. Start gossiping. Look for a new job. Write subliminal tweets. All because we took something personally and chances are, it had absolutely nothing to do with us. Just like my client, your coworker could’ve been having a bad day. Your friend probably wanted to catch up with a friend they haven’t seen in a while. Your Facebook friend probably didn’t have time to type ‘thank you’ when they opened up the notification. The person was perhaps calculating their bank account and totally forgot their manners when someone held the door open. It’s normal for people to have a life outside of us even when for a short period or another they’re involved in OUR lives. Because this is normal – it is also possible for their actions to be a reflection of their mind state, their home life, their insecurities and, all the things we can’t see, touch or feel. So, don’t take it personal.

Proverbs 19:11 NIV states, "A person's wisdom yields patience; it is one's glory to overlook an offense." However, the NLV says, "Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs." The NKJV quotes, "The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression." However, the GNT and CEV are my favorite versions of the text. The GNT claims, "If you are sensible, you will control your temper. When someone wrongs you, it is a great virtue to ignore it," while, the CEV says, "It's wise to be patient and show what you are like by forgiving others."

Proverbs 19:11 especially, in the context of its’ different texts are critical because a few key words arise: wisdom, control, patience, and forgiveness.

As many of us know, God holds wisdom to high esteem, thus, dedicating Proverbs to the concept of wisdom. Like Psalm 111:10 [AMP] reads, “The [reverent] fear of the Lord is the beginning (the prerequisite, the absolute essential, the alphabet) of wisdom; A good understanding and a teachable heart are possessed by all those who do the will of the Lord; His praise endures forever.” When we lack wisdom, – we lack the will of the Lord. There are many ways that I could have shown the will of God in my relationship with my client, but I was too blinded by her actions that I couldn’t produce what God may have intended for me to share.

We lose self-control when we act on mere assumption. Proverbs 25:28 ESV uses a simile to discuss the importance of self-control. “A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.” We allow ourselves to become vulnerable to spiritual attack when we lose control of our emotions. We are compared to a city that loses its’ defenses and ability to remain head-strong and protected.

Patience brings both joy and reward to our spirits. In Hebrews 10:36 AMP, we are reminded, “For you have need of patient endurance [to bear up under difficult circumstances without compromising], so that when you have carried out the will of God, you may receive and enjoy to the full what is promised.” While, we do not practice patience specifically, for reward – reward comes as an unfailing promise from God for our ability to endure. As we learn in 1 Corinthians 13, patience is a mere extension of genuine, agape love.

Finally, the toughest one of all – forgiveness. Most texts of the bible regarding forgiveness end with as “God or Christ forgive you’ (Ephesians 4:31-32; Colossians 3:13). It is this summarized reminder of Psalms 103:10-14 NIV that reminds us why it is equally important to forgive as God forgives us. “He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.” The Bible uses these texts to remind us that Jesus died for a reason; that reason is that we are habitual, imperfect sinners; and, because of that we have no place to start measuring and judging others.

I bring us here to conclude that taking things personally is often justified in our hearts but just another hindrance to the work and will of God. Like, James 1:20 NIV notes, “human anger does not produce the righteousness of God.” As Ephesians 4:23 AMP continues “with all humility [forsaking self-righteousness], and gentleness [maintaining self-control], with patience, bearing with one another in [unselfish] love. Make every effort to keep the oneness of the Spirit in the bond of peace [each individual working together to make the whole successful].”

It is our responsibility, especially those in the body of Christ, to hold ourselves accountable for how we perceive human action. Someone who is hurting can simply need healing, but it appears that they’re ‘hating’ simply because of our own perception and quickness to take things personal. 

I leave you with a quote I once heard from the great, Dr. Rev. Charles Jackson of the Brookland Baptist Church. He said, “When my mother was on her death bed, she told me, “Don’t let nobody treat you better than you treat them.” Hold true to that. The world would be such a better place if we all were more focused on outdoing the other in kindness. 

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