On Forgiveness, Blackness and, God’s Existence by Brandi Wardlow

I once wrote in a poem, "Mama, I have two targets on my back. I'm a woman, and I'm black." Maybe less than two weeks ago, I felt like adding, "Make it three, don't forget to add my Christianity."

 I choose to be ignorant sometimes. If we're honest, sometimes, blackness feels like a barbell weight laying on my chest without a spotter. I have to watch over myself in almost every space. Last year taught me that I even have to be careful in my own home. Botham Jean. Sometimes, I stay away from the hashtags of names, quickly scroll over the videos, refuse to read the comments section. The world weaponizes my blackness, and sometimes, I am triggered. Botham Jean. It was another body, another black body, and I wanted to preserve my sanity. Until just a few weeks ago, and Botham's case was headlined again.

            I carry emotions that aren't my responsibility. I feel deeply about matters that aren't my own. They call it an "empath," I suppose. I call it humanity. I pick up weights way out of my lifting league. Like, the weight of Botham's brother on the day, he chose to "forgive."

            I spent that whole day on social media defending his case. By the end of the day, I realized I wasn't just defending his case. I was also defending my Christianity. I was defending God's call for his representatives. I was defending the mere act of making peace in turmoil, chaos, hurt, and spiritual warfare. I was losing a battle. That day, I felt like I was losing a fight.

            It was a typical morning for me. Read my Bible. Do my devotion. Go on Facebook. BAM. There it was. Every status, every post, every conversation. Botham's little brother. Only 16 at the time of his brother's murder. He forgave Amber. He cried. He hugged her. The people, the black community, crucified him. Crucified his Christianity. Crucified Jesus like we were back on Calvary.

            "Why are black people always expected to forgive?" "Don't hug my murderer." "Don't forgive my murderer." "We always show the white man love." "We are docile. Christianity makes us black people docile." "Jesus didn't die for this." "Actually, Jesus died, so we didn't have to do this." "Actually, Jesus didn't die at all because Jesus isn't real."

            There was my heart lying on a cross, my Christian cross, pierced at the side with every social media post. Bleeding because I understood. But, also, there was my Christianity, a target like soil for US missiles. Blowing up. "Am I stupid?" "Is Jesus real?" "Am I docile?" "Am I am an Uncle Sam?" "Am I a coon?"

            I left work that day. I turned to my fiancé. I questioned all of my faith, all of my loyalty to my black people and cause. Defeated. "Is there something wrong with me," I asked. "What's wrong with me? Why don't I get it? Why don't I feel like everyone else?"

Empathy

My heart cried for Brant, the Jean family and, the black community. Another life, another black life gone too soon at the hands of carelessness. We, the black community, know all too well of living while black. It is a crime the world has attached to us, and breathing is unlawful. I felt for the family to have also buried a loved one. A mother saying “good-bye” to her son. The saying is that a parent should never have to bury their child. The milestones he’ll miss; the things he won’t live to see. Empathy allows me to share these feelings of pain, anger, and confusion.

However, I can only imagine. I can only assume and create the burden the Jean family carries. I place myself in Brant’s shoes. A child, mourning the loss of his brother. Recalling all the memories, he has yet to live with Botham. Missing experiences that will never come. A rage. A burning hole of confusion finding a residency in the home of your body. The things he could possibly feel for Amber, the wishes he probably regretfully made for her fate. The anger, the disbelief, the madness that God was off-duty when Botham needed Him the most. The reminders in the headlines. Turning to the news and social media and never being able to escape your brother’s murder. Watching a whole world grieve and mourn someone they never knew. Hearing them suggest how you and your family should carry the weight.

On the morning of October 2nd, Brant did what those only in his shoes could do… make a decision that HE needed to make. A choice that HE would have to live with. A call and a need for peace, a settlement of his soul.

Forgiveness

So, what is forgiveness? I look to Ezra 9:13-15 NIV for a foundation for understanding forgiveness. In short, Ezra speaks to God and states, “our God, you have punished us much less than our sins deserved.” Ezra is also not naïve and follows with, “Lord, the God of Israel, you are righteous!” Thus, settling on two concepts. First, forgiveness looks like not treating anyone as their sins, mistakes, and choices deserve. Secondly, it also follows with the idea that there is still a rightful and just punishment to adhere to. Actually, Numbers 14:18 NIV supports Ezra’s claims, whereas God is slow to anger and abundant in love and forgiveness. However, this does not mean clearing the guilty whatsoever. As a matter of fact, God is so just and righteous that any wrong offense will carry a punishment that extends to the third and fourth generations to account for the sins of their fathers.

So, why forgive? I wish I could give you this big persuading argument that forgiveness gives you some sort of healthier mental and physical health. God mentions none of the like in the Bible. Actually, we’re taught to forgive so that we can receive our own level of forgiveness from God. The Lord’s Prayer, for example, states it clearly. Matthew 6:12 AMP says, “And forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors [letting go of both the wrong and the resentment].” Verse 14-15 continues by noting, “For if you forgive others their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins], your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others [nurturing your hurt and anger with the result that it interferes with your relationship with God], then your Father will not forgive your trespasses.”

See, context matters. It matters because there’s this idea that Jesus paid it all, and therefore, technically, we neither have to forgive or be forgiven. But, the reality of it is found in Luke 17:2-3 AMP. For forgiveness, a verb or an action, to happen – once must repent and confess. James 5:16 AMP continues that confessing our sins leads to healing and restoration that is made effective by God. 1 John 1:9-10 AMP lets us know that by freely admitting our wrongs, in return, God is faithful to us and therefore, just. God will continually cleanse us from our unrighteousness. By ignoring our own faults, we then become liars and make God a contradiction.

So, yes, forgiveness is for us. It allows us to receive healing and restoration. It will enable us to have a faithful God on our behalf. It will enable us to undergo cleansing, and it empowers us not to let anything interfere with our relationship with God. 

Why do black people always forgive?

Simply because we are called to. First, Deuteronomy 32:35 AMP reminds us that vengeance belongs to God. So much so, that their (wrongful perpetrators) foot will slip, and God will be waiting with their doom. Secondly, because Proverbs 25:21-22 MSG tells us that generosity will always surprise a wrong-doer, and in response, God will reward us. Third, because 1 Peter 3:9 MSG shares that to get a blessing, one must be a blessing, and therefore, in avoiding vengeance, we have become worthy of receiving the grace of God. However, finally, John 15:18-25 AMP already warned that we, God’s people, are already hated because they hated our God first. We are not of this world, and therefore, our ways are not of this world. We will be persecuted just as they persecuted Him. Thus, the difference between the “them” and “us” is our ability to still love, show compassion and, humility (Luke 6:27-36 AMP).

I think people find this weak or upsetting because the karma or punishment is not instant. Moreover, because sometimes we aren’t witnesses to said karma or consequence. Also, because we are just down-right tired and exhausted at the unlawful and painful attacks against our blackness. Our forgiveness is supposed to encourage repentance. This repentance should lead to their salvation – the confession that God is real. We want change; we want justice, and we want peace. However, 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 AMP gives a full picture of why we won’t ever receive this materialistic peace we wish to achieve. We are mortals, but we are fighting a spiritual, moral battle. Our weapons are not physical but rather those of the divine. Our spiritual defenses, our ability to forgive, is what makes us more powerful than what fleshly attacks stand to defeat us. It is through our obedience to Christ that His word and His way are made apparent on this Earth – the true and living God is shown in the moments where it is expected to allow rage and anger to tempt us most.

But, God isn’t even real. 

            I’m a firm believer that God is not an explanation but an experience, and to receive that experience, one must have a relationship with Him and His word. I love God’s affirmation about who He is in Exodus 3:14-22 MSG: “I am who I am.” God spends the rest of the Bible, proving all that He IS by giving us examples of how to identify Him.

God says I AM:

• Almighty – Genesis 17:1
• Healing – Exodus 15:26
• Merciful – Exodus 22:27
• Slow to anger, compassionate and full of mercy – Exodus 34:6
• With you – Isaiah 41:10
• The only savior – Isaiah 43:11
• The creator of all things – Isaiah 44:24
• A comforter – Isaiah 51:12
• Constant and consistent – Malachi 3:6
• The bread that gives life – John 6:48
• The light of the world – John 8:12
• The good shepherd – John 10:11
• The way, truth, and life – John 14:16
• The Alpha and Omega – Revelation 1:8

However, I think we're living in a time that 2 Timothy 4:3-4 AMP warned us about. The time that people will no longer consider sound doctrine and instruction. A time where people will flee from God's truth and only wish to surround themselves with words that satisfy their own desires. In short, man-made fictions that make the unacceptable, acceptable. So much so, that those once believing in God will turn from His doctrine just to increase the population of disbelievers (Acts 20:28-30 AMP). However, Matthew 7:17-20 AMP lets us know that we can test these prophets and false teachings by assessing the fruit they bear. For an unhealthy tree cannot bear good fruit whatsoever. I encourage you all to continue leaning on the word of God. As 1 John 4:4-6, MSG reminds us: "My dear children, you come from God and belong to God. You have already won a big victory over those false teachers, for the Spirit in you is far stronger than anything in the world. These people belong to the Christ-denying world. They talk the world's language and the world eats it up. But we come from God and belong to God. Anyone who knows God understands us and listens. The person who has nothing to do with God will, of course, not listen to us. This is another test for telling the Spirit of Truth from the Spirit of deception."

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