Be Careful What You Ask For: By: Brandi J. Wardlow

             There’s this childhood, church memory I have of our assistant Pastor, Rev. Cathy Mitchell. Before preaching, Rev. Cathy would walk to the pulpit, and there would be a humility that would overtake her. Each time, she’d begin with this prayer. “Search me, o’ God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” As a child, I was so captivated by that prayer. Maturity and my own intimacy with the Bible would teach me that this prayer was scripture written by David in Psalm 139:23-24.

             About a year or two ago, I started implementing that prayer into my daily conversation with God. I follow the PRAY method when I talk with Him. Praise Him, Repent, Ask, and Yield. Between the transition from repenting and asking, I’d insert Psalm 139:23-24. I wanted God to search me, to know my heart, to test me, and to know my thoughts, to make evident and apparent what offended Him, and to lead me on the road to Eternal. Then, I would yield. I would wait for this miraculous sign that there was something I was doing wrong that offended God. But, nothing ever screamed, “Hey, Brandi, that’s it.” So, like many of us, I thought I was doing this God thing right. I had this idea that I was living according to His will. So, I thought.

             I remember a few summers ago listening to Rev. Teja Smith during Bible Study. During her class, she said something that still sits with my spirit every day. “Be careful what you ask God for. You’re praying for patience, and then He puts you in situations that test your patience. Then, you’re asking God to deliver you from that storm that He sent because you asked. You said you wanted patience, right? How else are you going to get patience without being in a situation that will make you patient?” A part of me called myself being mindful what I asked God for. For a while, I wouldn’t ask for patience because I didn’t feel like going through things that would teach me or force me to have patience. But, of course, I incorporated Psalm 139:23-24 into my prayer life, and that was a bold move. It was inviting and asking God to “check me” and to tell me about myself. And like most people, you really aren’t ready.

Life was coasting – and as the definition states, moving smoothly without using power. I really didn’t have to put much effort into my faith or my spiritual walk. There was no dire need to call on God other than to say ‘thank you.’ Life wasn’t as challenging. Yes, I’m planning a wedding. Yes, I’m writing a dissertation. Yes, I’m working and trying to survive. But, there was nothing that made me think twice about putting my full confidence in God.

A part of me honestly thought that I was living so superbly that this was some reward from God for my good deeds in life. But, as found in Ephesians 2:8-9, our good works don’t land us into Heaven. The AMP version states explicitly, “This [salvation] is not of yourselves [not through your own effort], but it is the [undeserved gracious] gift of God; not as a result of [your] works [nor your attempts to keep the Law], so that no one will [be able to] boast or take credit in any way [for his salvation]." My coasting had nothing to do with anything that I thought I was practicing. My coasting was just a product of getting comfortable. Almost like a car on the road by itself and finally hitting rush hour traffic.

             Then, 2020 showed up, and it’s been showing out. 

             I noticed a shift in my heart by February. There were some things and some people that totally tested and challenged my walk in Christ. No, they didn't show up and say, "We're going to make you prove how Christian you are." But, before the night's end and some days, after I calmed down, I questioned how much proof did I give them that I was Christian. For years, I was harboring some feelings against this person because of our different views on love and family. Her idea of intentional relationships was not my idea and vice versa. But, on this particular night, once she laid it out on the table, I was ready to eat everything she was putting on my plate. Before I knew it, there I was in a state of disobedience. The more I replayed the night in my head, the angrier I became. I used terms like "she baited me," "she attacked me," "she ambushed me." And while I thought all of these things to be pretty accurate, the real truth was that I didn't have to react nor respond or at least react or respond the way I did. But I did. And that made me even angrier.

By week's end, my Christian heart moved to one of disdain, dislike, and pure frustration towards her. The feelings that I created in response to her trickled into other areas of my life. Before I knew it, I was at odds with things not as deserving of my fury. But, I felt rage, and I felt rage towards someone who could never fully receive it. Thus, making me even angrier.

I sought advice. I cried. I lashed out. I verbalized my feelings. I sought more advice. I cried some more. I lashed out some more. But, nothing gave me peace. People validated every feeling that I had. They even told me that I handled it better than them. Some people said that our exchange was a long time coming. But, nothing gave me peace. No matter what I said or did, no matter how I got the last word or even won the battle – the reality was that this something was stirring a fire in my belly. I needed to burn it out.

Of all things, I never sought God. Yeah, I talked to Him. I told Him all about it. But, I never attempted to mirror His heart. I spent a lot of time validating myself instead of yielding to him. I didn’t surrender nor submit to Him. I never gave up my flesh to embody His spirit. Before I knew it, I started telling myself, “I have to check my heart.” By then, it was clear. I was heading into traffic. I couldn’t coast anymore. After months of praying Psalm 139:23-24, God was searching my heart and pointing out everything in me that offended Him.

Jeremiah 17:9 proposes that the Heart of man is deceitful. The AMP version says that the Heart is deceitful of all things and is extremely sick. The NLT version uses the phrase “desperately wicked.” While, the MSG refers to it as “hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out.” Which, is why Proverbs 3:5 (the book of Wisdom) charges us to trust and rely confidently on the Lord with all of our Heart and to not rely on our own insight or understanding. The next chapter, Proverbs 4:23, reminds us to guard our hearts because all that we do flows from it. The thoughts we think, the words we say, the actions we commit are all a response to what’s living in our hearts. When we trade in our instructions and Wisdom from God for our own understanding, we subject ourselves to disobedience. How can we be both full of ourselves and God? And while Matthew 6:24 refers to money, fame, and status, the reality is that the MSG version makes it very clear. We can’t worship two gods at once. “Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other.”

Basic anatomy lets us know that the heart is one of the most essential organs in the human body. Its’ functions are to circulate our power source within us, to provide us with the nutrients that we need, and to, overall, give us life. As it is in the physical, it is in the spiritual. It is one of the most critical organs in our spiritual being. What exits out of our hearts is what circulates in our bodies. What the heart provides is what we feed off. Like Matthew 7:17-25 concludes, healthy trees produce good fruit. Unhealthy trees produce bad fruit. When your heart is unhealthy, it will produce unhealthy motives and intentions. Merely acting without the intent to match is what will cause Jesus to deny us. However, when we put into practice Jesus’ examples of living, we become a wise builder. That even when the rain comes, streams rise and winds blow, we will not fall. Because our foundation is rooted in Him.

I never found peace despite the validation of feelings, the agreeance of beliefs and, the expression of critical and harsh feelings because I leaned on everything but God. Luke 16:15 lets us know that when we justify ourselves in the sights of others, it is actually detestable to God. This fulfillment of the scripture is the product of the outward appearance, the surface character we present to the world. But, because God knows our hearts and our innermost being, He knows that what society sees as “monumental,” it is actually “monstrous” (MSG).

I learned much since early February and my battles with “she.” But, the most significant lesson that I learned was that you never stop growing in God. As I mentioned earlier, I started to coast in my spiritual walk to the point of comfortability. Romans 12:1-2 warns us about that type of comfort. Mainly, the MSG tells us, “Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God – Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.”

Coming to terms with what offended God, offended me. No one really wants to have someone tell them about themselves. But, Hebrews 12:11 informs us to love discipline and correction. This education and training are a sign that God still loves us and wants the best for us. It is through this training that we continually become mature in our relationship with Christ. We genuinely have to be careful about what we wish and ask for. But, the closing part of Psalm 139:23-24 is the request that God leads you on the path to Eternal. Like the MSG says in 2 Corinthians 7:9-10, distress drives us back to God. It turns us around and gets us again in the way of salvation. And while good deeds aren’t necessary for salvation, repentance of the heart and soul is definitely on the list.

Be blessed Kin,

Brandi

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