Begging for Death: When the Burden is too Heavy to Bear by Brandi J. Wardlow

Begging for Death: When the Burden is too Heavy to Bear

Transparency moment. There have been days in my life where “death” seemed intriguing enough. No, really. I’ve seen days where mental, physical, and spiritual exhaustion outweighed my desire to live. I’ve found myself telling God, “If I could just escape this now.” Fear not, and please don’t be alarmed. This is a safe place – an honest place. In my 26 years of living, I’ve reached places where the thought of living this life seemed unbearable, and the only thing I yearned for was for God to simply take this cup away from me. And to be clear for the sake of mental health check-ins, No, I don’t have a plan. No, I am not ‘suicidal.’ But, just, wouldn’t a break seem nice?

I’m a black Christian woman that was raised by traditional, old school Christians. The type of old-school that blames the devil for EVERYTHING. According to them, mental illness is the devil, suicide is a one-way ticket to Hell and just go to church and pray about everything because well, that’s what the Bible says, right? Growing up, traditional Christians tended to make our living experience seem “taboo” or “controversial.” To be frank, it seemed almost a sin to not be okay. It was apparently an act against God to pray or go to church and to be emotionally weighed down. I am learning each and every day that it’s actually okay to not be okay. Sometimes, prayer or going to church or even the famous phrase “let go and let God” isn’t the final answer to our spiritual and mental exhaustion. Sometimes, we need help greater than our capacity, and it’s okay to seek it. 

Suicidal ideation is defined as the idea of thinking, considering, or planning suicide. It’s just that – a thought of death. It ranges from something small like a fleeting thought, “I don’t want to be here anymore” to something as full, detailed plans. Suicidal ideation isn’t relatively new, and please, don’t let the Saints tell you otherwise. Our faithful Bible may not call it by its’ name, but it is there. PLAIN. AS. DAY. 

Would you believe me if I told you that some of the celebrities of the Bible, like Rebekah, Job, Elijah, and Jesus (Yes, Jesus) expressed suicidal ideation?

Can we be raw and real today? Let’s stop acting like these stories are just good entertainment for the God-believing fanatics. Philippians 2:6-7 tells us that Jesus came in the likeness of humanity. That doesn’t mean that God transformed into Jesus so He can look like us. It meant that He would live like us. The Bible provides evidence and proof that God can be exactly who He says He is because He lived amongst us and died for us. Our life trajectories aren’t new to God. It’s been experienced by God. And to take it one step further, He’s been dealing with mankind for ages. God isn’t new to this – He’s true to this. Corny? Okay. But, no, really, there’s nothing that we are going through that God doesn’t already have a formula for. Period. 

Suicidal Ideation in the Bible:

The stories of Rebekah, Job, Elijah, and Jesus brings about four different “rock bottoms” that has us begging for death. In Genesis 27:46, Rebekah said to Isaac that she was “tired of living,” and then questioned, “What good will my life be to me?” No, it doesn’t have this dramatic undertone. But how many times have we asked what good will our lives be? Rebekah’s cry for death can easily be interpreted to own her guilt. She deceived her husband, caused her sons to beef, and well, the aftermath really wasn’t that pretty. Her own choices – her own burdens created this desire for relief.

In Job, we know that Satan and God meet up for a pow-wow. In the pow wow, Satan tells God that he will prove that we, humans, are only faithful because of our ability to be a beneficiary of God’s mercy and blessings. We know that God allows Satan the power to literally toy with Job which, causes Job to lose it all. In Job 3:11, Job cries out, “Why did I not die at birth, come forth from the womb and expire?” Job’s question is a pure reflection of “if I’m not going to get my way, what’s the point?” Job’s suicide ideation mirrors our many common thoughts about God. “If I am yours, why must I struggle? If I am going to struggle, what’s the point of this life, my life?” 

In 1 Kings 19:4, Elijah finds himself going to God directly and says, “It is enough now. O Lord, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” This cry by Elijah is a result of his search and quest for proving who and what the real true God is. His internal and external conflicts are our daily conquests. As much as we believe, as much as the signs are all there, there’s this afterthought of still wanting and needing to know for ourselves who and what God is. In our sometimes failed attempts, we feel ineffective to the point of despair. It’s as if, we almost don’t really know Him at all.

And then there was our perfect, blameless and sinless example, Jesus. Jesus, the direct son of God. Jesus, tasked with the point of literal death to take the blame of and for US. In Luke 22:42, Jesus is described as deeply anguished to the point of agonizing death. With this, he cries, “saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but always Yours be done.” This want for relief, escape, and immediate closure is a reflection of the calling on Jesus’ life. His purpose and His reason seemed too great of a call that required too much sacrifice. Jesus literally wanted an out and a whole new way to go about God’s will.

Burdens too Heavy to Bear:

Are you ready to join in this safe space with me? Are you prepared to admit that sometimes the burden is too heavy to bear?

Whether you are Rebekah and are burdened with the guilt of your own choices;

Whether you are Job and are struggling with having to sometimes struggle;

Whether you are Elijah and feel ineffective in your conquest for understanding the true and living God;

And whether you are Jesus and are troubled by the weight of your calling –

Don’t let the Saints minimize the weight of your burdens by patronizing your pain. Don’t let Satan and his tactics use you from stealing God’s glory.

While I wholeheartedly do not believe that mental illness is demonic or devilish, I will say that Satan’s purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). The devil wants to take God’s glory. He wants to kill your faithfulness to God. He wants to destroy the power and purpose of your calling. And He will toy with you – force you to lose it all (Job), make you question your purpose (Jesus), make you question God’s existence (Elijah) and, tempt you with unwise decisions (Rebekah) just to prove God right – that our faithfulness is only a matter of the benefit to us. 

I’m a Harry Potter fanatic. Voldemort (the villain) has this power that is described as making his victims literally beg for death. What he does is go into people’s minds and mentally torment them. And while I am not claiming that mental illness is a product of the devil mentally torturing you – the devil can have us begging for death.

His Burden is Light:

The different examples of Rebekah, Job, Elijah, and Jesus offers insight into the idea that we are not alone. That someone has gone through our struggles and that our feelings are valid. God has provided comfort and mercy to those burdens that overwhelm us. The most crucial part of managing the too heavy emotions is knowing that there is comfort and rest in God. In particular, He instructs us, in Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavily burdened [by religious rituals that provide no peace], and I will give you rest [refreshing your souls with salvation]. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me [following Me as My disciple], for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST (renewal, blessed quiet) FOR YOUR SOULS. For my yoke is easy [to bear], and My burden is light.”

To those burdened with the spirit of Rebekah: God offers many accounts of His mercy. In Psalm 103:8-12, the Lord is merciful and gracious. He has not dealt with us according to our sins [as we deserve], Nor rewarded us [with punishment] according to our wickedness. Furthermore, we are also reminded in Romans 3:23 that we all fall short of the glory of God. These teachings confirm WHY we shouldn’t be riddled with guilt. Although He should and thank God He doesn’t – He will NOT punish us according to our faults and our wrongdoings. He’s just not vengeful against us. He gets it – we make mistakes. 

To those, like Job, struggling with the struggle: God lets us know in 1 Corinthians 12:9-10 that our weakest moments are the best moments for His grace to go on display. Likewise, in Philippians 4:13, we are reminded that we can do ALL things through Him who strengthens us. God doesn’t promise us a life of perfection that He wants. He promises us His grace. He promises us His willingness and dedication to bring us through. Our lives aren’t perfect because we ask Him for perfection. Our lives are proof of His perfection. Our bad days become stories of encouragement for the next. Our weaker days tell the story of His strength. We just aren’t in this alone.

To those conflicted with the ineffectiveness that Elijah felt: Luke 18:27 points us to the confirmation that “What is impossible with men is possible with God.” Most importantly, Numbers 23:19 lets us know that “God is not man, that He should lie, or a son of man that He should change His mind.” God once walked as one of us, but He is NOT one of us. He exceeds our expectations and expands beyond what our expectations can imagine. Our life, the way our human flesh is constructed, how we are still existing, is living proof of the wonders of God. He is consistent, He is honest, and He is living. For as long as we continue to believe, He will continue to defy what we sometimes consider impossible.

To those troubled like Jesus with the weight of your calling: Jeremiah 29:11 declares that He knows the plans that He has for us. And in Proverbs 16:9, He shares this memo that He establishes our steps. Don’t be a Jonah, y’all. When God instructs you to go, GO. You are not on this Earth empty-handed and without purpose. You were specifically designed to play a role in His world. We all know Jesus was clearly the main star of the Bible show. But, how well do we know Rebekah, Job, and Elijah, too? Clearly, their role wasn’t as superb as Jesus, of course. But, you still remember them, right? Your role and character may not land you on the stage as big as Jesus’. However, you still have a place in this script. Your mess is your ministry. You are qualified.

Lastly, and don’t tell the Saints I told y’all this, but it’s okay to seek wise counsel. Who said you are perfect, and quite frankly, why are you trying to reach perfection? It’s tiring, y’all. Emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually, tiring. Remember, we’re still in safe space mode. I’m tired, and I’m sure you are too. God gave us the Holy Spirit to intercede, and sometimes, intercession comes from the help of someone else. In 1 Peter 4:10, we learn that everyone has received a gift, and this gift is to be used to serve others. There are people gifted with the education and skill to help us through those moments. In 1 Corinthians 10:13, God lets us know that no temptation has overtaken us that isn’t common to man. He will not allow us to be tempted beyond our ability, and He will provide the way of escape, that we may endure it.

So, yes, remain in prayer. Continue worshipping and fellowshipping. Remain faithful in Him. But, when that is not enough, use the resources of escape that God has provided. Call on Him to refer you to a professional friend. I’m sure God would rather you open your heart to the idea of sound, professional help than have you not only begging for death but meeting it too soon.

Praying over your mental health tonight,

Love always,

Brandi

Facebook: Brandi Janay

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