Deliberately Barren: The Weight of Waiting by Brandi J. W. Ray

            Often, my husband and I debate about the art of “chasing blessings.” You know, when you make a request to God because you feel that you know more or better about your needs than God himself? For example, my husband will say, “If I can just get this new job with a pay increase, I would be satisfied.” In response, I always say two things to my husband. First, “what happens when you get that blessing, will it be enough?” Secondly, “for what reason, would God give you more, if you have yet to make do with what He’s already given you?” It’s not that I don’t get or understand my husband’s logic. He’s absolutely right that more would be, in fact, better for what we see with our sight. However, if God is delayed in delivering your requests, is His sight and foreknowledge not greater than our own?

For all of us, our scope is limited to the tangible or, rather, the moment. We spiritually see based on our peripheral. The difference between our vision and that of God is that as much as we think we are “forward thinkers,” God is the only one with foreknowledge and insight regarding our next steps. We are only equipped with hindsight, instead. This means our vision and our knowledge are based on what we can recall. We have to have the trust, the certainty, the hope, and the confidence, to trust God’s track record. Meaning, we have to trust that if God brought us through before - if God delivered to us despite our perceived delays before, He will, indeed, do it again.

Someone, somewhere, like myself, feels barren in this season. Based on God’s previous performances, you have created an expectation that whenever you ask, you think you should promptly receive. And so when you ask of God, and God doesn’t deliver as quickly as Amazon Prime, with next day delivery, you start to question whether God is still good. You begin to say prayers like, “God, I see what you’re doing for others.” You start to look out this window of hopelessness, and the longer the delay in delivery, the more momentum you lose in faith.

Today, I will go against my better academic instruction and possibly interpret 1 Samuel 1 differently than its intent. But, Hannah’s story is more than just a concern of infertility but rather the weight of waiting.

When we meet Hannah, Elkanah, and Peninnah in the first chapter of Samuel, we learn that Elkanah, the husband, has two wives: Hannah and Peninnah. Peninnah is blessed with children, while Hannah desperately hopes to have one child, particularly a son. Don’t let 2021 fool you. Back then, a woman’s status was based on two things: marriage and childbearing of specifically, a son. To not be married or to not give your husband a son would mean that a woman was almost worthless in the sight of society. However, in 1 Samuel 1:6, we learn, depending on which version that you read, that God deliberately closes Hannah’s womb.

And I want to take a second to focus on God’s deliberation. For instance, in the story of Jonah, the text reads, “God appointed a big fish.” In John 11, we learn that Jesus deliberately delays going to Bethany to heal Lazarus. And here we are again, with God intentionally, doing something with which we would be confused and almost displeased. For what reason would God have to deliberately cause distress or disappointment in us?

In systematic theology, we learn about the problem of evil. What we may deem as evil may not necessarily be evil to God. As a matter of fact, the only thing God considers evil is anything that is displeasing to Him. Thus, making evil subjective to humanity. For instance, I hate to drive in the rain. So, I may consider it wrong when I have to drive on the turnpike, and it’s raining. However, on the other side of town, it may be a blessing that it’s raining because that rain may cause crops to grow for a farmer or gardener.

So, while we may think that God appointing a big fish, or closing a womb, or delaying in getting to Lazarus is evil – in foresight, with God’s foreknowledge, each of these may be just what we need to draw us closer to Him to ensure that it is He who gets the glory and not our own selves. This is the contrast between Hannah and Peninnah

You see, Peninnah was blessed with children. God didn’t close her womb; she wasn’t subjected to embarrassment and humiliation. Technically, by default, she should have been loved more by her husband. Yet, the text reads that instead, Penniah provoked Hannah to the point of embarrassment and despair. You’re not following me yet, and that’s okay. Many of us become Peninnahs. We have precisely what we want or what someone else is desperately praying for, and we use it to position ourselves as better than. We make other people feel less than because they’re not producing as quickly or efficiently. We let society see our “blessing” and give us this false sense of confidence and arrogance that we begin to boast instead of worship. For many of us, we can’t feel good about ourselves unless we are keeping up the Joneses or doing better than someone else. If we are secure in our status and our value, for what reason do we have to use it against someone else to make them feel inferior?

Each year, Elkanah, Hannah, Peninnah, and their children, journeyed to Shiloh to the Temple to offer God a sacrifice. Now, it’s important to note the significance of sacrifices. Before Christ, sacrifices were how the people atoned for their sins and honored God to be in right standing with Him. The better or more the sacrifice, the greater your chances of pleasing God. However, Elkanah gave Peninnah her portion but gave Hannah, the childless woman, a double portion. It’s like tithes, actually. The greater your income, the greater your tithing should be, but we ain’t going to talk about that right now.

Instead, we are going to focus on Hannah’s double portion. The text doesn’t clarify why Elkanah offered Hannah a double portion to give to God. But let’s just assume for a minute. Let’s just assume that while you were chasing another blessing, God was giving you a double portion of blessings in another area to greater your chances for glorifying Him. You see, when you’re so caught up on that one thing you so desperately want, you miss how God is doubling your life in other areas. You neglect how God is piling on more gifts, equipping you with more tools, rewarding you with more favor that you may come to worship Him with more honor and reverence to place you in the position, to be more right with Him. Because the more you ask of God and the more He gives, the more He requires of you.

But, let me show you just how much we miss this critical lesson. After visiting the Temple, Elkanah turns to Hannah, deeply saddened, and says, “Why are you in despair?” To which Hannah replies, “I am without children.” In return, Elkanah asks, “Am I not enough? Am I not greater than many sons?” In your season of chasing blessings, in this storm of waiting for our perceived delayed God, God is asking you, “Am I not enough? Am I not greater than the blessing in which you are asking for?”

You see, our problem is what we worship and idolize. We often think because we aren’t praying to a golden calf, that we have no other idols, or that because we aren’t falling our knees in front of our blessings, that we aren’t worshipping something else. Anything which has us chasing something other than God is an idol. Because if we trusted God as He requires; if we lived a life according to His will and not our own - we would be exceptionally pleased whenever God appoints the big fish; whenever God delays in our healing; whenever He deliberately closes our wombs. Because then, and only then, do we prove ourselves to be living His life and not our own. Only then do we show that God is our portion, our light, and salvation. That there is nothing else in this world that we should want, that we lack nothing in this life because God is our joy. Is God only good enough to give us what we want? Isn’t the gift-giver greater than the gift itself?

I’m about to close, I promise. But, I have to show you what God is asking of you in this season. After dinner and Hannah’s conversation with Elkanah, the text says she went to the Temple and prayed. However, when the High Priest, Eli, comes upon Hannah, he thought she was drunk, for her lips were moving, but no sound was coming out. To which Hannah tells Eli, I am pouring out my soul to the Lord.

Your season of waiting is going to do one of two things. Either you’re going to become bitter and resentful towards God, or you’re going to fall on your knees and pour out your soul. So much that when people stumble across you, they’re going to think you’re crazy. Hannah didn’t curse Peninnah. She didn’t sulk so deep in despair that she forgot that God can transform the impossible to possible. She prayed to Him like she was crazy cause Hannah knew she’d go crazy if God didn’t sustain her. She knew what she felt and was going through was too big for her and yet, too small for God. And not too small in the sense that God didn’t care, but too small in the feeling that God was big enough, powerful enough, and loving enough to still bring her out of the season and storm that was weighing her down.

Can you still worship Him in that type of season? Can you still give him glory when you feel that nothing is going good for you? Will you still get on your knees and praise him like your crazy when people provoke you to humiliation and embarrassment? Can you make do with what you have even when society makes you feel that it is not enough to sustain you?

But, Hannah’s worship is not the sole focus of this story. The sole focus of this story comes in verse 18, where it says that after Hannah worshipped, her countenance changed. Today, I want to encourage you to change your countenance. As I said the last time, change your posture. Your season is going to make you weep; it’s going to have you feeling distressed to the point of despair. But, when you know the God you serve, your hindsight doesn’t become debilitating; it becomes empowering. Your hindsight will have you recalling the God who brought you through when you didn’t know how or if you would. Your memory will have you praising God and thanking Him in advance because you will remember a God who has yet to forget you. Your testimony will have you leaning on the Lord, who has never and will never forsake or abandon you.

It was only when Hannah promised God that she would give her child back to Him when God opened her womb and blessed her with a child. And we learn in the second chapter of Samuel that Hannah presents Samuel to Eli to be raised in the Temple. I turn back to those conversations with my husband: When God gives you a blessing when He blesses you with what you’ve been earnestly seeking, will you give it all back to God? Will you remember a God that remembered you? Will you use what He gave you to glorify Him? In a world of Peninnahs, it’s not so bad to be a Hannah. It’s not a curse for God to humble you so that you can remember that in this life, it’s about His glory and not our own.

To the person who feels barren or is waiting for your increase, may you praise Him like you’re crazy. May you remember to give every and perfect gift back to Him. May you make do with what you have now that He will be confident to trust you, one day soon, with more.

Be kind to yourself,

Mrs. Brandi J. Ray